Sunday, January 30, 2011

The State of Me

First of all, I have to say that I stole this idea from someone I don't know, Liz, who I feel a connection with because I spent 25 years of my life as a Lutheran, still am a Lutheran at heart and possibly in membership.

What is the state of me as the first month of the year 2011 comes to an end?

Family-wise we are physically healthy.  The joy in my every day is my baby big girl.  Hugs and kisses from her is like being high (from what I only know of prescription pain meds).  My relationship with Dan could use a little work and prayer but we're still here together raising our daughter.

Physically for me is the usual aches, pains, migraines.  Nothing to get worked up about.

Emotionally for me I have gotten better in the last year than I have been for several years.  Raising kids with reactive attachment disorder (RAD) makes parents hypervigilent, on high alert for anything that might be trouble, paranoid might be the best word.  And I realized tonight after reading Liz's post that as I was scheduled to start coming down off of that hypervigilence from my older kids, I am now, two years later, at that same point again for a different reason.  Work.  My workplace breeds paranoia.  You never know when you walk in the door if you'll make to the end of the day.  I am constantly on edge listening for all the gossip going on to see if it's about me or getting another tip of how NOT to get fired that day.  I'm not a poor worker.  I am rule obeyer, respectful, likeable (I think) person who has a lot to offer the right employer.  But I don't feel secure in my employment because the reasons for being fired are out of my control.  And the reasons change frequently.  So once again I find myself hypervigilent, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Is it any wonder I hate going to work.

Spiritually I'm not at a place I want to be although I cling to verses like Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" as I wander through the muck of my life.  And verses like Psalm 139:15-16 "My frame was not hidden from you    when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" when I leave my baby, the joy of my life, and pray she will be safe because we know accidents can happen.  I would love to be at a much deeper place where peace and not high blood pressure reigns and joy comes from more than being with my baby.  But that's not it right now.  Our family needs a lot of work and healing.

So the state of me is kind of low right now.  I walk through each day hoping to dodge any missiles and try to bring joy TO my little girl so she will have some happy memories to look back on.  

1 comment:

  1. Lilyana is having a happy childhood. What she will remember is snow and puzzles and sit-n-spin and hats. Cause those are the pictures she will look at as she grows up. And hugs and kisses!