Monday, June 13, 2011

Fun with Lilyana

After my depressing post yesterday I thought I'd share some fun conversations with Lilyana.

Lilyana:  What's that noise?
Me:  Sump pump
Lilyana:  Washing machine.
Me:  You're right.  It's the washing machine.

On a trip to the grocery store:  I want to go to church.  I want to go to church.

At the grocery store I let her push the little cart.  She did an excellent job but every once in a while I had to help steer from the front.  When I did that she said:  Move the hand.  Move the hand.

Tonight she came up to me with a box and said "happy birthday."  The box was filled with letters.  It was not my birthday but she gave me something that was precious to her ... letters.

And finally, we have one pull up left and so we've been scrounging around the house to find anything that might work for a pull up or diaper in her size.  We have some Goodnights but they are too big for her right now.  I was surprised when I found a diaper in size 5, wondering how that had gotten past and not used.  So while Dan was putting the diaper on we found out why it hadn't been used.  One of the tabs had pulled off.  So he used packing tape to keep it on.  I tried to keep her distracted so she wouldn't get tape on her skin.  So I put a Goodnight on her head (it was clean, brand-new and never used).  She called it her monster mask. 

And we did not let her wear it to bed. 

Sunday, June 12, 2011

My mood of late

Disclaimer:   I am very proud of Calsey and what she's accomplished.  She signed up for National Guard when she was 17 at the end of her junior year of high school.  She then went on to basic training and passed with flying colors.  She then worked hard to complete her senior year of high school but was unable to graduate.   She left for AIT after that and worked hard to get her GED.  She is now an active member of her Guard unit driving form Sioux City, NE to St Peter, MN to complete her drills.  She is a single mom and doing extremely well.  What I have to say next has no reflection on Calsey's choices.  It's just a loss I have to grieve and in no way do I want Calsey to feel shame or think that we are disappointed in her.  With that said:

I've been a little depressed and antisocial lately.  I realized last weekend that it is the season of graduations.  Even though I didn't feel that loss the year Calsey was to have graduated, it came fast and furious this year.  All the failure that I've taking upon myself came back to me in my failure to help my daughter graduate.  I wanted to be able to tell people and write on facebook and tweet that my daughter graduated high school and we would be holding a party to celebrate.  But I couldn't and will have to wait 15 years to be able to do that with our 3 year old.  By then all the friends my age will have adult children and we may well have drifted apart.  So that is another loss that I didn't think about that I will have to grieve about.

Another thing that has been depressing me lately is my job.  There have been some major changes, new retraining.  It is worse than prison because we cannot have paper, pens, book or calendars at our desks.  Lately the call volume has been very slow and usually we were able to read while we weren't on the phone.  But that has been taken away so we sit there waiting to take a call.  It's going to be hard to keep from wanting to quit.  This weekend I've been pondering a decision about whether to continue with this company with all the change going on.  I have a very challenging bookkeeping job at home and I really don't want to have my call center job become challenging.  After much thought and prayer I decided that I would continue working there.  I can use the down time to pray.  But I will now switch my 3 tens for five 5 hour days.  It might help with the boredom.  So until God says otherwise, I will still be working at YA.

And if that weren't enough to add to my depression is the fact that my house is a huge mess.  I feel overwhelmed (and that's an understatement) about cleaning it.  I know that there are things I cannot take care of and it's just so much that I hardly feel like starting. 

So that is honestly where I'm at.  I'm trying to figure out a way to get through this for Lilyana.  She deserves a clean house, sitting around a table as a family and parents with energy to play with her and do things with her.  Right now I feel we are old, tired and depressed parents and Lilyana deserves better.  It doesn't help that I'm in constant pain whether I'm sitting or walking.  I've also got a tingly feeling in my hands and feet and my feet are also numb at times.  So I know that I will be seeing the doctor again and again to try to get better and be able to be what Lilyana needs me to be.

I know this has been a depressing post but it's what's in my heart tonight and I needed to get it out.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Random Thoughts

New things learned this week (I know it's Wednesday but it seems like the weekend since we've been gone for the last 48 hours):
1.  Lilyana can spell her name (verbally not written).
2.  Lilyana knows to add one S to get 2 of something (we'll work on more than 2 later).
3.  Lilyana learned a new body part:  ankle.

On the way home from Zumbrota she saw a Z in the clouds.  And while we were passing through a roundabout in New Prague, she noticed that the "mighty machine" was gone.  Several weeks ago on another pass through New Prague we saw a machine planting trees in this roundabout.  She has quite the memory.

And other non-Lilyana related thoughts:  Chuck Swindoll has had a few posts this last week about the journey and wilderness on the way to the Promised Land (scroll through the archives to see other posts).  And then today my friend, Claudia, asks "What is my wheelchair? What are the things that I view as difficult in my life? Am I running away from the purpose God has for me in them? Or am I willing to accept them and grow closer to God because of them? Will I allow them to produce fruit in me? Am I really willing to participate in His suffering, as Paul wrote, in order to experience the power of his resurrection?" 

So maybe I should find joy in the journey, through the trials, aches and pains, and the hard road of relationships, instead of plodding along only thinking about the joy at the end.