Sunday, May 29, 2011

Conversations and Praises

On the way to church today Lilyana talked all the way.  Some of the things she said:

1.  She sang the alphabet song several times.
2.  "Add s to cows and get 2 cowses" (sometimes she doesn't understand it's only s)
3.  She spelled her name.
4.  "Add s to Lilyana and get 2 Nanas"

It's always interesting to listen to her talk.

Praise God!  Josh Lord was in church today.  If you've been following his story you know he was on the brink of death on April 10.  He is making a remarkable recovery.  Please continue to pray for him. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mother's Day

I have debated about blogging about Mother's Day.  I am not a fan of celebrating people only on certain days.  My husband and I have an agreement that we do not give gifts to each other for birthdays, Mother's or Father's day, etc.  We just do not have the extra money to spend and since neither one of us has a love language of receiving gifts, we don't miss it.

I find Mother's Day especially difficult for different reasons.  When I was younger, it was difficult because I wasn't married or have kids.  During that time, my sister would send me cards on Mother's Day because I was an aunt.  It was nice to be recognized for that.  Thanks, Brenda. 

After I got married at the ripe old age of 32, it took us 5 years before we had kids.  We adopted Calsey and Seth at the ages of 11 and 8, respectively.  We were blissfully unaware of the war that would culminate in 6 years.  Adopting kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder means that Mother's Day and mom's birthday will not be reasons to celebrate.  Many kids with RAD blame the mom figure for the loss of their birth mom.  If I didn't like Mother's Day before this, I liked it even less now.

By the time of 11 years of marriage we were anticipating the birth of our only biological child.  Someone who we would be able to form into a young lady that embraced our values and respected us as her parents.  She would not know the trauma caused by abandonment, neglect and transiency.  She will be attached.  But during that same year of marriage we "lost" a son.  Because of some false allegations we were forced to terminate our parental rights to him.  So he will now age out of the system in less than a year at age 18 with no legal parents.  And while our daughter is still legally ours, we don't see nearly as much of her or our grandson as we'd like.

There is so much for me to grieve over about Mother's Day and so it still fills me with dread.  I grieve for the loss and abandonment Calsey and Seth had to suffer in their early years.  I grieve that those feelings were transitioned to me and they were never really able to see me as the mom figure that they should have.  I grieve for the hopes and dreams that I had before I had children of how the lives of those children would be.  I grieve that I was not able to hold them as babies, meet their needs, and teach them how to trust.  I grieve that Lilyana will probably never know her brother and sister like "normal" siblings know each other.  She is, for all practical purposes, an only child.  It grieves me that she will miss learning how to get along with others which is taught by having siblings.

But there is joy.  There is joy in that Calsey and Seth's birth mom gave them life.  She had another option and had she taken it, we would not have known them and been able to share in 6 years of their lives.  Through adopting them I have learned books worth of knowledge about RAD, FASD, PTSD and other acronyms.  And God, knowing we would need some serious joy, gave us that miracle baby we call Lilyana.  Had we not had Lilyana, we would have sunk into deep depression and maybe never returned after the loss of our son. 

But, now, as far as I'm concerned I have three children and one grandchild.  The older two are doing their own thing but I am still their mom and will be there for me whenever they need me.  The younger one, I hope, will allow me to be the mom I was meant to be and will allow me to guide her so that one day I can say about her "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her." 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!  I love you.  Thank you for all you do for us and the sacrifices you've made for us.

Happy Mother's Day to my mother-in-law in heaven.  I wished you could have met Lilyana.  I know you would have loved her and she you.  We miss you.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Third Birthday

I cannot believe three years has passed since we brought home our 3 lb 12 oz baby girl.  Time has passed so quickly. 

After an eventful week of illness for me we traveled to Zumbrota to celebrate with Grandpa and Grandma.  Since I had been in the hospital overnight and was pretty frazzled I totally forgot to pack church clothes so I did the unthinkable and brought my little girl on her birthday to church ... in jeans (gasp). 

Mom and I made cupcakes and since Lilyana is in love with Word World she sees cupcakes and says "share the pupcakes, don't eat the pupcakes."  

We celebrated with Grandpa and Grandma and Lilyana's great Aunt Rosella.  We had a great time.  Next time you see her ask her how old she is.  She'll say "free." 

She is so fascinated with letters.  She sorts them, lines them up.  She'll even bring letters to you and lay them.  Sometimes they will be put in the correct order for whichever word she wants but always she will have the correct letters and tell which word it is.  And she will be great at spelling bees because she always says the letters and then states what the word is.  Truck and water are two of her favorites.

We haven't made it in for her three year well check yet.  We had anticipated letting it lapse because her pediatrician told us last year that she could skip it.  But we have some things we want to discuss with him so after that's done we'll have a new weight/height to update you on.

But until then we'll continue with reading and spelling and playing outside which are three of her favorite activities.