Disclaimer: I am very proud of Calsey and what she's accomplished. She signed up for National Guard when she was 17 at the end of her junior year of high school. She then went on to basic training and passed with flying colors. She then worked hard to complete her senior year of high school but was unable to graduate. She left for AIT after that and worked hard to get her GED. She is now an active member of her Guard unit driving form Sioux City, NE to St Peter, MN to complete her drills. She is a single mom and doing extremely well. What I have to say next has no reflection on Calsey's choices. It's just a loss I have to grieve and in no way do I want Calsey to feel shame or think that we are disappointed in her. With that said:
I've been a little depressed and antisocial lately. I realized last weekend that it is the season of graduations. Even though I didn't feel that loss the year Calsey was to have graduated, it came fast and furious this year. All the failure that I've taking upon myself came back to me in my failure to help my daughter graduate. I wanted to be able to tell people and write on facebook and tweet that my daughter graduated high school and we would be holding a party to celebrate. But I couldn't and will have to wait 15 years to be able to do that with our 3 year old. By then all the friends my age will have adult children and we may well have drifted apart. So that is another loss that I didn't think about that I will have to grieve about.
Another thing that has been depressing me lately is my job. There have been some major changes, new retraining. It is worse than prison because we cannot have paper, pens, book or calendars at our desks. Lately the call volume has been very slow and usually we were able to read while we weren't on the phone. But that has been taken away so we sit there waiting to take a call. It's going to be hard to keep from wanting to quit. This weekend I've been pondering a decision about whether to continue with this company with all the change going on. I have a very challenging bookkeeping job at home and I really don't want to have my call center job become challenging. After much thought and prayer I decided that I would continue working there. I can use the down time to pray. But I will now switch my 3 tens for five 5 hour days. It might help with the boredom. So until God says otherwise, I will still be working at YA.
And if that weren't enough to add to my depression is the fact that my house is a huge mess. I feel overwhelmed (and that's an understatement) about cleaning it. I know that there are things I cannot take care of and it's just so much that I hardly feel like starting.
So that is honestly where I'm at. I'm trying to figure out a way to get through this for Lilyana. She deserves a clean house, sitting around a table as a family and parents with energy to play with her and do things with her. Right now I feel we are old, tired and depressed parents and Lilyana deserves better. It doesn't help that I'm in constant pain whether I'm sitting or walking. I've also got a tingly feeling in my hands and feet and my feet are also numb at times. So I know that I will be seeing the doctor again and again to try to get better and be able to be what Lilyana needs me to be.
I know this has been a depressing post but it's what's in my heart tonight and I needed to get it out.